Still Not An After

Notes from a Spiritual Fatass. Still also a rageass.

[image description: black text against a grey stone background that says, “I love you. Do better”]

[image description: the author a Black femme person wearing black skinny jeans and a galaxy print sweatshirt. Photo taken of their reflection in a bathroom mirror]

To the left, behold a super classy work bathroom outfit selfie. Look at that human, that human is me and I am not fat anymore.

I am 5'3". I weigh about 148–158 lbs (depending on where I am at in my menstrual cycle). For clothing reference (hilarious most of my outfit came from Hot Topic) I wear a Jrs size 11/13 in pants. The way my body is put together, I’ve got thick thighs, a little belly, big boobs and a small booty. I’ve been built this way since puberty.

When I look at this photo I don’t see the 42 year old potato I am this moment, I see the 19 year old potato I was. This is how my body looked at that age. I look at this photo (and another I’ll include below) I am shocked that this is the adult human I have become.

In my mind, I am still a fat person. When I see fat people, fat Black femmes, fat fashion, I feel seen and represented in my heart. I follow fat fashion news, I follow fat people, I read fat politics, I am fat oriented.

I am not fat anymore.

I struggle with this a lot. Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself in my underwear at home in the mirror…