Inner Asshole Vs Inner Hype Man
My inner voice is not the nurturing voice a lot of the time. My inner voice is an angry dude. Inner Asshole Voice is an asshole. Inner Asshole Voice hates me, hates you, hates your dog, hates my shoes, and hates everything.
Inner Asshole Voice wants to ruin everything.
For instance:
Me: OH, look how hot I look today. Lips lookin’ luscious, booty looking PAPOW! Can’t nobody fuck with me.
Inner Asshole Voice: Bitch, is you serious? You got no ass,
your eyebrows are crooked and nobody needs to see that. Take all the seats.
Me: Oh … okay.
Now your inner voice might be your Mom, it could be some other jerk, but it is the voice that tells you no all the time. The voice that makes you hesitate before hitting send on that important email, the one that keeps you from dancing even when you’re at home in your underwear behind closed
doors. It is the one that tells you not to even think about wearing that fly
outfit.
That voice is an asshole
Now what do we do when Asshole Inner Voice is babbling in one ear and we have shit to do?
My solution?
Be your own hype man.
If you don’t know what that is let me explain. In hip-hop your hype man is the person who pumps up the crowd. They introduce you, they get the crowd moving, they use call and response, they make sure that everyone in the room understands that you are the shit.
Imagine that the Inner Asshole Voice is a heckler or some other species of jerk in the crowd. Our Inner Hype Man is the antidote.
Your Inner Hype Man needs to get louder. Needs to get the crowd (you) ready.
Now how do we wake up our Inner Hype Man?
My method is as follows. I have playlists of music. Most of
the songs that get me going have a couple things in common:
- They excite me. Maybe they make me want to throw
punches and elbows. Maybe they make me want to strut like I am on a cat walk.
Or they make me shake my butt. - They just makes me happy.
In order to properly wake up your Inner Hype Man you’re going to have to let go of a few ideas. First of all, it is perfectly reasonable to dance around and wave your arms in the privacy of your own damn home. Second of all, you are the shit.
I swear you have an Inner Hype Man. You just need to reach in and get them going.
Step 1: Get your playlist going. Maybe start off with
something that just makes you bob your head.
Step 2: Let loose.
This part can be done literally if you’re able or
figuratively if you aren’t able or just don’t want to.
Dance around. Do the running man in your living room buck naked. Put on some metal. Hit your rock star power stance and belt it out. Put on some booty shorts and knee socks and twerk until you can twerk no more.
Consider your flailing, booty shaking, head bobbing thing to be your warm up. Practice doing that and then you’ll be ready for the next step.
Step 3: Pretend that you are freaking Beyonce (insert your own queen/king/supreme performance being here) and everyone is ready for you.
You are not only Beyonce. You are the hype man and you’re the crowd. So it is now your job to get the crowd ready for the star: you.
I was an only child and spent a lot of time alone. Often, when I was pretending to do things, I cheered. Did you do that?
Do you remember cupping your hands around your mouth and making whooshing cheering noises?
Maybe you played basketball and ran around hollering, “AND THEY SHOOT! THEY SCORE!! THE CROWD GOES WILD!!!”
There are times and have been times in our lives when even for a split second we all knew we were the shit. The best. The one and only.
Whatever thing you have to do that makes you nervous, wake up your Inner Hype Man and your Inner Asshole Voice can shut the hell up.
You are ready to get hyphy. This is where you pull whatever imagery works for you. Maybe you’re getting ready for the big game and everyone is chanting and high fiving. Maybe you are about to strut a catwalk and everyone will
gasp when you walk out. Whatever gets you there, grab it and hold on tight.
Is your Inner Asshole Voice laughing right now?
Mine is.
Me: YEAH, I AM THE SHIT. I AM THE ONE. NOBODY IS READY FOR ME
RIGHT NOW.
Inner Asshole Voice: Bitch, sit down.
Me: But …
Inner Asshole Voice: Nobody wants it. Shut your face. Stop writing this shit and just … Shut. Up.
That is actually happening right now. In my head. I took a deep breath, walked around for a second and knew what to do.
As I’ve mentioned previously my self-love gets ugly sometimes. In my head it’s fight music not booty music playing. I’m hyping myself up to figuratively beat some ass.
All day I’ve been doing things that scare me. Reaching out for advice from writers I admire, making myself some really solid financial plans, doing things that real-talk scare the actual poop out of me. My guts are churning. I keep scrolling up to read what I’ve written here and feeling some type of way.
There is a song done by Busta Rhymes featuring Ozzy Osbourne (YES, this is a real thing. Youtube it.) and I am hearing Busta in my head:
THIS MEANS WAR!
Black Sabbath plus Hip Hop means I’m getting ready. I went in the bathroom and bounced around on my toes for a minute like a fighter. My Inner Hype Man is losing his real shit right now.
In my head these intimidating tasks are a big fight. I’m getting ready to step into the Octagon and put my title on the line. I’m the biggest, baddest bitch ever.
NOBODY CAN FUCK WITH ME RIGHT NOW!
FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING LIKE A BEE!
After a couple of minutes of this treatment, my head came up. I felt silly for having such melodramatics going on in my head at my job, but sometimes you just have to let it happen.
Letting my Inner Hype Man go buck wild pulled me out of some
sadness that was interfering with my ability to write this and work out my
budget.
My Inner Hype Man doesn’t just wake up. He had to work for
it today.
Like everything else, this might not work for you. Your
Inner Asshole Voice might be too loud. Baby steps, homies. Maybe you start with
something small. Tell yourself, I cooked the SHIT out of that dinner, and high
five yourself.
Now let’s be real. I know a lot of folks just can’t. This is not a place you are ready for and that is okay, homie. This is where I ride to your virtual rescue. I give you all full and total permission to use me as your Inner Hype Man.
Whether you put me in the role of coach yelling at you from the sidelines:
GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!
Or maybe I’m staring down the Inner Asshole Voice and saying:
HEY you, shut the hell up for five damn minutes. We have shit to do.
You could even have me sitting on your shoulder like that cricket from Pinocchio telling you:
You got this! YOU GOT THIS! YOU ARE THE SHIT, YOU GOT THIS!
I volunteer.
You see this face here, your Inner Asshole Voice cannot mess with this. I’m bigger, meaner and I like you more.
I know some of you feel like nobody has your back against your Inner Asshole Voice and you can’t back yourself up yet. It takes time so be cool to yourself about it. That is why I am here. That, my homie, is at the very root of why this is even happening here. You dig?
While I can’t sit and hold each of your hands because my mutant super powers have yet to develop, I can let you know I got you. I can tell you that if you need to, use me. I want you to know that as impossible as it might feel to shut down your Inner Asshole Voice, I believe in you. I believe in us.
On the days you need help here I am. In the moments when you want to cry because everything in you says, You can’t, you suck, or just, No, here I come yelling:
YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! DON’T STOP GET IT GET IT!
Now my friends. Give it a shot. Report back. Get your playlist sorted. Let’s do this.
~
Now at the end here, if you’d like to get a chance to read the original Self Care Like a Boss: Self Care for life you can get it until 2/15/19 over at Etsy.
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